Some moments it hits me that I am overextending myself. When I realize the people who have come and gone in my life, and all the moments where something was said that shouldn’t have been; when there’s been no accountability except what was presumed to be mine, even if I felt blameless, master manipulators would take it upon themselves to reverse the situation and garner the necessary backup to prove me wrong. I think I know more mentally unstable people at this point in my life than I have ever known or cared to admit to knowing in my past. That frightens and disarms me. For eight years I lived in a world where I assumed everybody was getting the necessary help they needed, as I did. When I woke up and decided to press on, it seems that instead of seeking out their own well-being, a number of people blamed me for our mutual absence from each others’ lives. That time five years ago where I reached out to an old friend for support and was instead reprimanded was something I still haven’t recovered from in a lot of ways. I don’t care for the people who don’t care for me, plain and simple; now that I’ve earned that dose of common sense, there has been a passive-aggressive backlash. The worst part is the people I had an understanding with were those quickest to judge the evolution of my personality from a state of disarray to one of well-being. How can anyone call themself progressive if they fail to “permit” anyone to become whoever time and experience has called them to be? If this were my twenties I might dream that all their faces had turned into raven masks when they’d come over to visit my room or hang out at a party, or some other monstrosity that embodies how they actually had no good intentions for me.
I have my eye on a few sinful types in my current circle whose faults were revealed to me in a typical act of verbal diarrhea that my presence seems to perpetuate in people...as in, I’d rather avoid them until they sort all that out. The reality is, stereotypes about people covered in tattoos can sometimes be truer than you ever wanted or needed them to be; flout God’s laws about not respecting your temple and he’s less likely to offer you any kind of protection against the strange forces flailing about in the world. Oh but you believe in self reliance and sure, you’ve got it all covered in terms of how to succeed in life (cough cough no one respects you or your torment). Trust me, been there, done that! There’s experience, and then there’s experience. Know what I mean?
Here’s what I’d like to change, what I wish would happen: that people I cared for in the past would venture to reappear to me, but evolved, respectful, beneficial, and not quite so needy. A maturity manifestation! Because here’s the present problem: scores of people not qualified but self-appointed to hate me and my life! I’ve gone out of my way to be good to people that I knew could not serve any present benefit to my goals of personal development, relationship goals, spiritual fulfillment, intellectual fulfillment, etcetera. In a fashion most predictable, these people have gone above and beyond the call of duty to present themselves as threatening, detractive, unkind, and even at times gross to me and my spouse. But I won’t lie, it’s mostly presented to me, because there is an assumption that as a woman I won’t speak up against wrongs committed. Adults are not beyond reproach simply because they are adults; but in the interest of PEACE, I will allow people to be absolutely as crazy as they desire to present themselves to be. It is my belief that if there were something more worth sticking around for, people wouldn’t act out around me like spoiled children, lost ones broken in two. Your pain is not greater than mine or anyone else’s. The struggle is real for EVERYBODY. Now know that and stop abandoning every known moral code to be a socially fluid ENABLER of hatred, gossip, ignorance and abuse —not even sparing your children, if I’m being honest. Want an example of someone whose life you should follow? How about my Meals on Wheels clients who suffer from mobility issues but STILL manage to treat even STRANGERS with respect and warmth? Perhaps they believe that all beings have something good to offer, regardless of their gender or skin color (novel!). And perhaps they know (as should you) the pain of being a needless scapegoat. Women and men who put their problems on other people INSTEAD of doing something good for themselves or their loved ones are the true cowards and those whose ignorance truly ought to be feared and avoided, in the end. Listening yet, Eric?
I guess when you’ve lived in a place long enough, and its insanity becomes your own, there’s no telling the lengths you’ll go to to see the world through your own eyes and not someone else’s. I’ll find my planet yet.
