I think I’m pretty guilty of letting life pass me by. Or parts of it. I wish I could go back a few years and remember not to let friends or education go by the wayside. The problem is I’ve picked up a lot of offal here and there and I’m not sure what’s left to show for any of it. People began to stop communicating, and lo and behold, I had feelings! Wish I were stronger, wish it didn’t bother me. Wish I had the life I was used to years ago. Feeling like a stranger in my own life. Wish I could talk to Eric about it without there being a fight. I’m super sensitive, that’s never changed, and I don’t want to create more trauma. Life in college is easy, you shouldn’t worry about it so much, I want to tell the younger me. I wish there had been a smoother transition between academics and so/called real life. Because I’m tired and I don’t know why. What’s going to help me cope in moments where my mother thinks she has control over who I am even now? I have a husband, I’m reminding myself, unless she’s reminding me, or anyone else is. It’s not something that ever mattered to me before. Fridays are he only night I can stay up and do this because of Eric’s schedule. Things used to be much more liberal...then extremely conservative...now whatever this is...moderation. I know I should be grateful for the peace I feel at times. I’d just like more of it. And to have fewer fears again. I used to be so sure I could do all this alone.
What does someone who needs control over so many things in her life do if there’s no control over anything? Anyone would go “crazy”. It’s an urge I must fight. I wrestle with my demons just like anyone else. Most days, I win. What a tangled web my parents have weaved for me. What an even tanglier one I’ve woven for myself. It would feel good to write this down somewhere less public, though I’m not really sure who reads this crap...hopefully no creepies in basements or whatnot...
I believe I’m well protected now. I hope someone I used to loved dearly gets in touch soon. This is starting to sound like a love letter to no one...
