I keep hoping he’ll come in here and apologize
I never get the self deprecating ones
Just the arrogant ones
Today he told me I believe in cheating because my father cheated on my mother once, smack dab in the middle of an argument about a completely different thing. I thought that was nice and fun. I don’t cheat, but maybe you do if you’re accusing me of it?
I am glad I believe in a God that allows for multiple loves in life, not just one person. I guess there’s freedom in that if I ever want it.
Actually the argument stemmed from me spilling a drink on the carpet (it was clear, just for some perspective). I lost track of why it continued thereafter, mainly because he refuses to listen. I’m tired, but he won’t respect that. Like a child.
I’m not really sure what to do. I wish Was were here to give me some advice.
She’d probably say I threw my life away and am throwing it away again. Maybe it’d be best not to solicit advice.
My heart aches and my mind is in pain. I feel I am going through a mental rollercoaster. He does not fight entirely fair.
If I knew what else I was looking for I would look for that. And I know I can’t go backward. I just wanted a quiet, simple life. Can anybody help me through this? I’m not really interested in waiting for people who put me on hold.
I miss being around my mom. I know it wasn’t simpler, but it was easier and more comfortable. Maybe I’m forgetting though.
Mostly I resent Eric for juxtaposing me with so many people I don’t entirely like. I’ve never been in a situation that required so much apathy and looking the other way and ignoring. And everyone I kinda like, they’re not interested or have weird issues.
I guess this is what I did to Sarahe. The difference is, I didn’t hurt Eric first, and Sarahe did hurt me.
I don’t really know what I have to look forward to. I’m very aware of the demographic I now represent and what that means to the people I knew, that is, the ones who helped form me.
I’m always the escapist but I know running away never makes me happy. Or at least not for very long. This is how I don’t understand getting along with my father after all this time.
I’m hitting that age (35) where I’m not sure exactly what it is I do or why, no matter how many practical answers I have. Maybe it started with coming back to Texas so late in life.
The entire concept of marriage seems to dishonor my earlier life and I can’t quite wrap my brain around that. I’m not sure that divorce would correct it.
Eric believes I am the one keeping him from his friends. Well, whatever he wants to think but I don’t see them knocking down our door, so...
I can actually envision Glenhaven in my mind so clearly these days. It’s like I’m there in my mind, parenting myself, letting myself be loved. Correcting any skewed memories to reflect a greater peace. I’m only concerned because it was so long ago.
Why do people take it personally when you say you’re unhappy? He won’t leave! So I’m just here, stuck. If I act grateful, I’m unsatisfied with what we could have been if I had been more critical. If I complain, he tries to turn the accusation against me! And if I point out that’s what he’s doing, he literally talks right over me and ignores me!!
THIS is why people seek out intelligence? For manipulation, denial, and weird childish shit? Is that really the definition of intelligence??
I literally watched him mocking my facial expression and tone of voice like a tween.
It doesn’t matter if you know what you want. The world will still hand you shit and say “don’t be an ingrate. You get what you get in life.”
I sometimes just wish someone was here to take a boat out from the boat dock with me and paddle a goddamn canoe. He still hasn’t taken me kayaking. Should I be concerned about his ability to balance in a tippable vehicle like that?
How can one person make me feel so unwelcome in my own home?
I feel at some point there may have been some sign that there was a mismatch and I just willfully ignored it. Now I can’t find it. If being married is uncool then being divorced is like doubly uncool.
But it’d be better than staying in a hurtful situation. I’m awfully familiar with those.
Nothing ever changes, does it?
Erika
