I have been observing the recent case of Britney Spears…and you’ll say, why care? Well, because I think I get it. I get her statement to her tribe: and here’s mine.
I have made it seem, in the whirlwind of rediscovering love (I believe) and planning and participating in my wedding, that I am totally and perfectly okay. But I am human and it’s not really the whole truth! I have been struggling to deal with nearly simultaneous multiple bereavements, depression, severe anxiety, harboring and caring for rescue dogs, maintaining five animal lives (!) and two human ones (myself, Erika, and Eric), all while keeping up appearances within my family to people who lie on two opposite sides of the political spectrum (!), or are apolitical; feeling afraid to admit I miss anyone at all, friend or lover, finding complete and utter strangers in their place…which is, devastating, and I have to say my sister is right here because “maybe it’s for the best.” Just to name a few things. Not to mention, my mom remarrying, into a completely new family shortly after I was married! Talk about a dogpile of disarray, desperately needing organization and healing LIGHT. I don’t want to end up sick or dead from stress-borne cancers or illnesses of any kind, like my mother (survivor) or grandma (passed on).
I’m not a child, but the “child within me” just wants to curl up and go fetal for everything I can’t be protected from anymore. Trust has been a very tricky thing for me to learn…and as an acquaintance recently mentioned to me, about me, Yes, I have been badly bruised and burned by people in the past in myriad ways: I forgive and move on, but again there are strangers in the place of my tribe who was once so easily recognizable.
Having outlets like this makes me remember my life is of value and worth presenting in a positive but real light. I, too, have been funded by a Trust which is at once a protector and a controller. I have no recourse and my plan B is my marriage (well, it’s my plan A) and yes I am afraid at times, because the perfectionist in me just beats myself up about all this, thinking it’s somehow my fault. I do not say ANY of this to worry or upset anyone; rather, I’d like to ask for prayers, as many of you are also in ours, in mine. Nothing is perfect. Let’s start (or remember) caring for each other like the human beings we all are.
Listening to: RHCP 1999-2002 (major nostalgia)
