I tried to heal your wounds, but I failed.
I tried to learn and grow with you, but you were stuck.
I didn’t know how to help you past your hurt and anger,
Because that is where you wanted to stay.
I thought if I waited, you’d be there for me somehow.
I thought if I waited, I’d get back the love I put in.
People would tell me “there has always been something there.”
What, I wonder, did they ever see?
Love is like this, I thought.
Friendship is stubborn and wants its own way.
There is no way around it except to go through it like a five dollar carwash,
Car in neutral, propelled by an underlying momentum.
Don’t drive until the green light tells you you’re free to
Go.
Confused, I loved and hated all of it:
The sensitivity and its lack,
The petty fights,
Envy,
Insecurities,
The love.
Where are you as I write this?
A part of me knows you won’t read this.
A part of me knew you so well that you’re probably
More stubborn, not less.
But hating me won’t fix what’s inside you that’s broken.
And if it won’t fix it, maybe it’d be okay
To let the anger go someday.
What do you think?
I miss that place so often.
Don’t you?
Over the years, the pain has been replaced
By happy feelings that come with a life well lived.
I’ve realized that things I thought were love were
Only child’s play.
And then I’ve realized deeper things
Like that out of my capacity to love,
I have loved even abuse, bitterness, betrayal.
I have frequently loved without necessarily
being loved in return.
I deeply love my friends.
It is the distance from them over the years
That has slowly shrunk parts of my hope,
My old ideals. It’s in there, somewhere,
But buried deep under the present.
Some days I am honestly not sure
What to look forward to in this regard,
compounded with deeper
Losses, mistakes I had to learn from,
Situations I refused to escape
Because of a lack of self respect
And an ignorance to my own desires.
But, my old friend,
I will see you again.
A photo I took of you on the dock in the sunset
In that place
Reminds me.
A photo I took of you swinging your hair
around like a rockstar
Reminds me.
I believe in a God of
Infinite love who has given me
The capacity to love past the hurts
And willful ignorances
And everything small.
You will never make me afraid to say it.
It is because of this love
That I tolerated you even at your worst
And watched you shine your brightest.
Take care of yourself.
