The days are longer
But I don’t know why.
God has lovingly, I suppose, rearranged
My thoughts.
This has repelled the people I thought I wanted,
Given me power and blessing,
Fearlessness, courage.
Strength to speak up,
Vision to be free.
Fear to stay alive,
Stability.
The sound of the suburbs is silence.
It is easy to get lost in that.
We all struggle—still I am disconnected.
All the lonely moments—where do they go?
I miss my home.
I never meant to trust much of anyone.
I’ve never really had a boss,
Only God.
My creativity suffers.
I’m lost.
Mom was good to me.
Brain is not functioning.
Won’t let Eric near me.
How do I get out of my predicaments?
I’m so unhappy.
Ryan talks a lot of shit.
I don’t know a way out of this hell.
They like me better when I’m not direct.
Inactive friends are not friends at all,
Just memories of friends.
I am “weird” and you disappear.
I feel shamed.
Of course I pick friends based on how attractive they are, don’t you?
I am not ugly.
I am not fat.
I am good enough.
I am beautiful
My time with Eric has only made me spoiled.
It’s my mother I miss most of the time.
At least now I’m not trying constantly to replace her.
Why is grandma so far away?
Things do feel strange.
I feel constantly like something bad is coming.
Eric says I’m crippled by anxiety.
I no longer know if it’s his place to say it.
Why is 1960 so horrible?
I wonder if I’ll ever have a real job
Or feel like a real person.
Sometimes it feels there’s no one left to love.
Sometimes I want to leave but I’m scared.
Scared of being alone.
Scared of hurting so much my thoughts crumble.
Scared of repeating the past.
Scared of never seeing anyone.
Maybe he thinks I’m crazy.
Maybe he’s not wrong.
Wondering why I don’t see or talk to anybody.
Wondering why everyone disappears.
Wondering why I’m left with heartless family members.
Wondering why no one has the time.
Wondering why I feel I do.
Where has everyone been for eleven years or more?
What is left of my life?
Why does it feel like so much is still missing?
Will I ever hear from her again?
What was the meaning of Paterson, of living there, anyway?
How did I hate New York so much while I was there and now it’s like I just miss it.
I am proud of my life, but I still have questions.
Will that ever go away? God let it go away.
Erika
