I did not find my voice at Wellesley College. I learned there to continue to repress it. Any moral or conservative opinions in myself were constantly silenced—I even had people talk over me, laugh in my face, or willfully ignore me, even when it came to the wishes pertaining to my own body and my own love life. I waited until I was here to write about it because for a long time nobody seemed amenable to it. Even friends expected me to always be around, whether I was open to mistreatment or not. If I spoke about religious beliefs, I was frequently told my God didn’t exist. Many of these interactions were in writing via social media, online journals and the like, but some of these interactions were private and in person. The cherry was put on top by my father’s side of the family. I consider my mother’s side of the family my true family, because they never encouraged me to give my life over to darkness and despair, and they would never ask me to lie or tolerate abuse. I had imagined that my Aunt was a supporter of mine, but after so many times telling me she “didn’t have time” to talk to me, or not allowing me to stay in her home suddenly when the doors had previously been opened to me, and my subsequent time vacillating between homelessness (because of what pride was left) and personal injury, I realized the one person I should rely on is myself. I spent a lot of time denying that the world was this way, and swore not to tell anyone about it so as to prevent anyone with rose colored glasses from coming down from their high, but it’s really true. I hope every young woman learns, though not through the means I did, not to trust everyone in the world whom you meet, and even if they are other women. I recommend trusting with discretion. That way you will look back and not feel regret or loss as to with whom you’ve shared your God given gifts. The only arguments I’ve ever heard against a Christian God are that God does not let you do whatever you want at whomever’s expense you want. God forbid someone who loves you ever advise you against sinning against your own good nature and causing yourself and others emotional injury. I believe in a God that doesn’t allow people to sleepwalk through meaninglessness as though they have no power just because they’re female. I guess you could call that “Woke.”
Erika
