It's a new day! I'm becoming a much faster reader and writer, and I am applying myself to my studies, which is a good thing because I am really consumed in this real estate nonsense now (well, it's not nonsense, it's actually totally practical and useful and I think that's why it scares me so much, but I digress). I really liked when I was studying things just for the sake of studying things I liked, like English, like Math, like Liberal Arts (learning a little of everything which was actually very confusing but also somewhat rewarding). I keep feeling like all the weird stuff that is happening to me is connected to some bigger purpose but I am not really sure why. For example, I find weird connections between the things I've read in a course and the things I find in my e-mail. I find names that sound similar but are unrelated seemingly and then I find the link between those two things is actually not very strong. I must be losing my edge. I must be losing my ability to channel my thoughts into something (one thing, or maybe two or three) positive. I had really hoped that my RE courses would be more like essays and that sort of thing because I'm actually quite good at writing. I don't know what the exam will look like tomorrow, but if it's anything like the textbook I am not goin to be able to figure out my ass from my elbow. I am a pretty brilliant test taker. But the fact that I have to isolate myself to take an online test (I guess I could always take it at a Starbucks or something??) makes me a little bored. I guess I'll figure it out as needed. My faith is strong but it dwindles sometimes. What happened to all the nice people I met five or more years ago?? DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY NOT REALIZE THAT I AM A HUMAN PERSON AND NEED HUMAN CONTACT AND TO BE SOCIAL? The pandemic has become such an excuse to just check out of people's lives, but in the end I guess that's a good thing, no, because well, really, the only people I really see are Eric (at various points in the day, but he's always around, which is definitely a thing that wears on us) and then sometimes my mother and Paul (I used to see them all the time, which has also been a weird transitional thing). I really used to believe certain things like that if I was Facebook friends with a bunch of people then those people were always around, keeping me company in spirit, which is not exactly a delusion, but it's not a thought process that's conducive to going out a making more friends. My spelling is terrible, but I really don't care that much at this point. I'd like to write more, I'd like to have more opportunities to have third person validation (LOL) for my skills, and I'd like to have more people believe in me and generally want to be around me. I am not talking about all the randos out their on the streets of Houston, or anywhere in Texas, New York, wherever, but like, good, genuine, intelligent people. I have been so scared of communicating in the past, I wonder what my words will lead me to next. I feel scared I am being watched/listened to by my Alexa devices. Maybe I have to much to say because I'm not truly happy or fulfilled. Somehow all my best energies tend to be directed retroactively to my mother, whom I love dearly, and that's probably why. IF YOU ARE OUT THERE PLEASE REACH OUT AND PLEASE STOP PLAYING MIND GAMES WITH ME! These are coded messages, I don't know, I just blah and blah and blah and blah and then complain a lot and that's that with me. I really wish I could get myself together here, I am starting to feel like a grumpy old man myself. I forgot to pick up all the pieces a long time ago, and I feel someone should have picked them up for me, but when the going gets tough, the tough truly get going. I REMEMBER FRIENDS BUT WHERE ARE THEY AND I AM SO UPSET I AM SO FAR AWAY BUT GOD I LOVE TEXAS AND WONDER WHEN I'LL EVER RUN INTO ANYONE I KNEW AND WHETHER THEY'D RECOGNIZE ME. It's like an Eric Clapton song in here. I was really hurt when Ryan gave me so much grief upon first moving in with Eric. I am not sure why he cared, but I can tell you I knew for a fact when he was going to show up or give me grief and I guess I don't really know if we're friends now, but he's part of Eric's family and so I guess I have to care on some level, especially since the Zuckero's are so into perfection, perfect behavior, and suffer for it, but GOD so judgemental at times. Virginia gave me SUCH a hard time in the beginning and I'm not even sure why, probably some form of jealously or frustration with her own life, and now we just talk and text all the time, but don't ever really listen to each other, it's like we're trying to talk over the other one. I really wanted to just like sit down and watch my wedding video with Eric but he likes to remind me how busy he is all the time and so I just leave it alone, watching a wedding video is overrated anyway, like who cares, it is super spectacular and was filmed so well and I looked so pretty and everything and he was all clean-cut and handsome but OMG HERE HE IS HE IS GOING TO WATCH THE VIDEO WITH ME. Wow. I don't even know why I write this junk sometimes.
