Howdy Doody

 For Max.

Well Howdy, Doody,

Little Young man,

Riding around his

Ride along fire truck,

Red like fires you will

Surely put out,

Red like my heart that 

Beats for you,

Red like your cheeks

That beam like the summer sun:

RED.

What a guy!

How can I put into words

What you mean to me?

It’s a dimple in your right cheek,

Another one coming in on

The other side;

It’s the way your hair 

Around your face sticks 

To your hot forehead in summer;

How little your arms 

still feel in mine;

Little hands, little 

fingernails, little toes.

It’s a weewa weewa

WEEWAA around the house,

The yard, the neighborhood,

Officer Max, here to underarrest

Every bad guy and then some.

It’s the “I love you mommy,

So much, in the WHOLE WORLD”s

The little arms around my 

neck as you whisper

“You’re my greatest superhero.”

What could be better.

Indeed, what could be better?

You are the very reinvention

Of good, yet you are wholly your own.

My son.  Red Like the sun.

My world revolves around you,

And singing your praises,

I will never be done.

So Howdy, Doody,

Ride on out,

Dream big, and dream good:

The world is yours,

110%.

I will always be with you, 

wherever you go.

Love, Mom

Happy Mother’s Day!

 Lately I struggle to find my wording,

But being a Mom is the singularly most fulfilling thing that has ever happened to me,

Or that I or God has ever made happen in my life.

I just feel so full,

So part of the great, powerful symphony of life.

It is the most unique thing that God gave women.

And I am so proud to be a woman,

And so proud to be a Mom,

And so proud to be the Mama of Max.

He is a stunning and brilliant gift.

Thank you to anyone along the way who believed in me,

And thus helped me to get here.

I am eternally grateful

For the powerful play, 

And To have been able to contribute a verse.

💜

Erika

Do Not Go Quietly Into That Good Night of Distance

 I once thought all of the good had left the world once you weren’t in mine anymore.  I once thought good and love would never again come.  But now I have my son, who is proof this was untrue.  Now I have my son, who my world revolves around.  So if you’re ever thinking of me some weird Sunday you decide to remember God or Love or both, just know that I am in the throes of love, real and true.  I know you said you’d always care about me, as though to let me go once and for all, but this is the measure of how far love goes and how it translates into new blooms and how it settles in the fingers like moving, kinetic sand, clarity and truth the solid and time slipping through like silicone.  Though I loved you dearly, we never were as grand, as deep, as all this. Yet I still hear your voice through static worn old with cobwebs and distance and time. And God only knows the meaning of all that. I hope you find this in some indirect and inoffensive way.

Erika

I MISS YOU VOVI!

 I would have traded all of this writing and praise for a friend to talk to on the phone.  For anyone dear from back then to come into now and ask how I’m doing.  It’s not the worst question.  It’s the best one.

When everything fails, I at least know there’s a little version of me, this cool miracle walking around representing me wherever he goes.  That I don’t take for granted, maybe because he’s at my breast.

So sweet, Max, my life, Minha Vida.  Nosso Rei.

Sasha Gray

 “Scattered Sasha

June 23, 2020  · 

Some days I look around and wonder how in the firetruck I got here. What path did I take that lead me to this particular point in my world.

I’m pretty sure it was the one with ruts, curves, and potholes and the signs were worn out and couldn’t be read.

But I decided to forge on, heading out on an unplanned adventure just to see where it took me.

Apparently it took me here.

Life is funny that way.

It’s an unpredictable, beautiful, terrifying, rebellious ride, and yes, you can get off any time you like, but I want a front seat every single time.

⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲

Wherever the untamed roads take me, I’m willing to go….I don’t want to wait to be invited, I don’t want to worry about fitting in, or apologize because the puzzle pieces of my soul don’t match the ones laid out before me.

I want to live in the stillness, and I want to live in the chaos. I want to feel the wind beneath my wings and discover wild souls that inspire me to greatness.

I want to calm the storm when it’s at its wildest, and breathe in the magic when the moon dances with the stars. I want to destroy the illusions that tell me I’m less than worthy of all my wishes and dreams and then remind them all that this woman…

THIS WOMAN walks with her head held high, her soul bared for all to love, with power in each step and glory held in her hands.

⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲⌲

These words are what I call my ‘manifesto’….which declares my intentions, to myself or anyone that reads them. I only know a handful of people that have written something similar because it’s not something we even think about.

We’re too busy trying to figure out what pants to wear and if they’re clean to stop and think about dreams and hopes, wishes and magic.

But wouldn’t the world be a little cooler, and maybe a little more understanding if we all wrote our manifesto….telling the world what we wanted from life if we had the choice.

I imagine business cards printed, and when you met someone new, you’d hand them one (and they’d actually take the 30 seconds to read it), and then they’d know.

They’d know your heart. They’d know your dreams, and the way you declared your life to be.

But the list of "criteria" for living a good life seems to be a check list of material successes:

Job ✓

Home ✓

Family ✓

Car ✓

I'm waiting for someone to ask me if I'm...

Happy

At peace

Confident

Having Fun....

Let’s change the world, ok?

Let’s begin by declaring the way you want to live this life you’ve been given…this one life where you can have days filled with magic, and a little glitter tossed in to make them sparkle.

What’s your manifesto?

How to you want to LIVE?

Glitter & Grace,

Sasha“

 I am never alone. 

 Please stop gawking at my chest.  It’s embarrassing.  Just stop!

Thank you!

Erika

Apologies

 I’m sorry if I hold on too tightly

Or nursed you for too long;

One day you’ll be the tallest person in the room,

And I just wanted to keep you tiny for as

Long as I could.

Love is, Max

 Love is

Holding your little hand on a walk to the park.

Talking to you as you walk up on the curb

“I’m doing the balance beam!” You cry.

While my aging dog trails behind, limping, 

with Mr. Bean.

Oh, Lola.  Don’t leave us yet. 

Why are you gone?

I can’t

Remember

Anymore

.

Don’t Wait

Hurry! Don’t wait

To know all your beauty

Lest it run away and leave you,

Old and grey!

Lest an old man see it in you first,

And see with the eyes of Lust,

To make you into something unclean,

Unnatural, and not you!

Women, girls, hurry! Don’t wait

To know you are God’s special creature,

Loved and perfect.

Lest the World take you for something

You are not,

And force you, through ungodly pressure

To stay there.

Hurry! Don’t wait!

For uncles or fathers or brothers to misrepresent you

Fail to defend and protect you,

To leave you to the wolves and grime

Of society.

Women! Girls!  

Speak up now!

Hurry! Don’t wait!

Erika

Vovi

 Grandma Mariana,

You were right about everything.

Drama

 Realizing how you come off to others can be sobering, depending on who is doing the reflecting. 🤔

Heartfit

 It just doesn’t fit sometimes,

My heart.

It cannot extend into

The reaches of you

And settle there, like home

I can’t find home sometimes

In these brief moments.

It’s like I miss you,

You are not there,

Even when you are

And I feel lonely, detached, isolated.

Where does this bleeding broken 

beating thing go,

If it has to struggle to fit?

I always come back to you.

I always make it work.

I look back into the rear view

Seeing something that was, briefly,

Moving forward with you

Even when we don’t quite fit.

But we will make it fit.

Because my heart

Loves yours.

Erika

Grace

There IS love lost

But then,

Life goes on anyway

And THAT is Grace

To be born and live.

 Who I used to be is no longer relevant.

I am a mother now and that is what matters.

Under Construction

 Hello to all of my new readers! Just trying to navigate what direction to next take this blog.  Be patient please as I’ve got a little one!

Sincerely,

Erika

Praise

 All praise and honor be

To the most high Jesus Christ!

Heavenly father you are 

The ultimate God, our only True God!

The bounty which we receive is 

Thy gracious gift!

Praise to the Father,

We humbly accept!

All glory and honor is Yours

Almighty Father 

Forever and Ever

Amen

Warning to FEAR GOD!

 I am faithful to the God of the Jews and that is why I am never alone.

All who come against me come against the one, true God.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

My birth Story - Max - A Poem

 For Max, on the two week anniversary of his birth

The pain you forget.

It’s the triumph and relief over pregnancy and labor

You remember.

The final two pushes:

His head and shoulders out and down.

The beauty of it,

The primal howling that brings

A son forth.

The son, my Sun.

This, this is my True North—

The room we were in,

The stillness of the early morning

The calm steady quiet of the hospital, as if knowing, waiting,

Everyone who showed up, nurses, midwives,

Midwives,

A doula

Birth partner;

The Canon that captured your first moments,

Alicia Keys and Under Pressure and

Everything, so surreal.

I’ll never forget how twelve hours passed 

like twenty minutes

My mind distorting the time to prepare.

And the joy we felt as we heard your first cries.

Max you are real

Max you are real

We are doing this and it is happening

And thank you for choosing us

And thank you most high God

For this epic incomparable gift

In the form of this child, 7 lbs 15 ounces.

Life will never be the same again, my sweet,

And family has taken on new and renewed meaning.

Of this and much else I am right now certain.

Erika