After watching this Anthony Hopkins and Jonathan Pryce film, I realize that I find beauty in the Catholic Church, but I don't think I have found a place. What are the roles relegated to women, women who have been educated but perhaps non-traditionally? I write and try to pursue other forms of creativity...my memory is lapsing at times, and it helps me to have people I care about to which to speak to...my relationship is primary and paramount in my life. Having a husband, while not necessarily a conscious goal of mine, became something that unfolded somewhat naturally and granted me peace. I should say that in the present tense, grants. Yet, I find that there are times when reading about and thinking about Catholicism leaves me wanting. I am a Christian. Yes, that's clear, I've definitely endured the trials and tribulations many Christians seem to know about. But in some ways my life has been charmed, and in some ways I find I have not grown up like other Christians and so feel sometimes out of place, both within the church and outside of it. I have always straddled the line.
The film The Two Popes reminds me of my grandmother and my mother and being a child, and yes, of a great tradition I am somehow, in some tangled way, a part of. At best, I would say the romance of it sweeps me away. It all comes down to one thing, Creation. Creation from God, or Science, if you believe that the two go hand-in-hand--or not, what can I say, can I make you or anyone else believe what I've been raised to believe, especially if I sit in doubt with it myself? My faith does not waiver, but my closeness to God vacillates. I wish I could convey this in some kind of modern way that felt applicable to modernity, cell phones, friends, the lgbt communities, international society. One thing is for sure. And that is that I still have trouble soaking up the beauty of a rainy spring day, or a beautiful film well acted, or the love of a charming and at times challenging husband, without being compelled (by whom?) to write about it.
I would be lost without love, and love comes from family, and family a gift from God. I hope it grows. Mr. Bean is sitting here with me as I write this. We will go to bed shortly. Lola is around.
Allow me to make the most of my time here on this earth, this is my prayer. And that I can publish this all some day soon.
Pope Francis AKA Sr. Jorge Mario Bergoglio is really kind of great for all of us.
